2016 / 02 / 15

Thirteen years ago I was in a terrible place emotionally, most likely the worst of my life thus far. Anxiety and uncontrollable negative thoughts ruled my every waking moment, all while trying to cope with a failing relationship. That year I went to Chicago to see one of my all-time favorite bands, Godspeed You! Black Emperor. This Canadian group rarely toured or played in the U.S., so a tour announcement was an incredibly exciting tidbit of news, even during my ongoing struggle to just get through the day.

After weeks of anticipation the night arrived and I was completely miserable throughout the entire show. There were so many factors and events that contributed to the way I felt, but in the end it will suffice to say it was a night I tried to face my internal misery for the first time and felt entirely defeated. That memory has grown to be one of the most negative of my life, and I've spent the better part of a decade trying to grow and reconcile those feelings and make sense of my brain. I always go into a live music performance hoping it will be a cathartic and up-lifting experience, but, through my own faults, this felt like pure agony.

To say that much in my life has changed since that day in 2003 would be a gross understatement. From age twenty to age thirty-three I experienced an incredible amount of growth, as I currently find myself in control of what I've learned, and accepted, is a constant battle with my own mind. I've shared a decade with a partner I cherish more deeply than I thought myself capable of feeling for any person, and I've found a material purpose for my life that makes me feel fulfilled in existence each day, deeply immersed in the most powerful force I've experienced in my time alive, music.

Throughout this period of my own growth Godspeed took nearly a decade away from writing and performing, and over the past couple years finally began releasing new work. They recently began their first tour since the break, with a performance scheduled in Milwaukee. And although I've always considered them a favorite amongst the sea of wonderful music I've been exposed to, I've always had a tiny black raincloud hanging over my thoughts of them, all as a result of that experience in 2003.

Their hiatus and return felt as though it coincided a little too perfectly with my own growth and personal achievements. With my view into the abyss and my acceptance of what my life is and must be moving forward. I understand that my words and feelings regarding music as an art form may seem excessively romantic, but what point is art if you cannot use it to relate to your own life? To allow it to reach you in a primitive and personal way? That's how music has served me. It's how I feel music must be. It is there to comfort me, to alleviate my pains, to take me away, and to help me overcome feelings I otherwise have a difficult time with. Some of my earliest and dearest memories are of music, and the affect it had on me.

When February 12th, 2016 rolled around I once again traveled south to see Godspeed You! Black Emperor, but this time I believe I made this trip as a completely different person. I was there with a group of friends, some of whom I've known for half of my life, and finally in a psychological state that felt free of my emotional burdens. I tried to enter the environment with a clean slate in my brain, something that I've been practicing over the last year or two with varying degrees of success.

It was everything I ever wanted, and more beyond that.

I can't rightly put into words how I felt witnessing Godspeed with new eyes and ears, but I simply had to allow it to wash over me. Complete adoration. Consumed by atmosphere, power, light. Endlessly inspired. Relief and joy.

Triumph.

Over the last three days my thoughts have continued to drift back to the performance that evening, each harmonious swell and each droning lull. Every one of those stunning visual projections, seamlessly strung together, encouraging individual interpretation to a vivid and abstract narrative.

It felt like healing. It felt like reconciliation.

I sit here today listening to every Godspeed LP I own in chronological order. Doing so with a slightly clearer mind, and a sense of freedom from lingering shadows that once had their hooks buried deeply in my mind, and I have begun to wonder if it has been worth it. Was it worth the decade of negative memories battling my love for these records, if only so I could re-discover my pure love and one day have this precise experience? If Friday was the evidence by which I must judge that question, then I think I must answer with a yes. The emotional response in the wake of that performance is something seldom known, and I must cherish that rare occasion.

There is Hope.